Quality Time

There is nothing kids love more than quality time with a parent. Quality time is when they get all of you, all to themselves, with all the attention on them!!

The purpose of quality time on your end is to establish a special relationship between the two of you that feels kind of like a friend to them. It does not replace the parent role, it’s more like an extension of it. It may not seem valuable now, but once they get older, they are going to need a friend in you. They know they have a parent who gives good counsel and unconditional love, but sometimes, they just want to be heard, validated, and encouraged, not advised.

It’s important for your child to feel special - this means no siblings, no cell phones, and no errands being tended to during this time. If all you can give is 10 minutes before bedtime, then do that. If you can take them to their favorite place to eat for an hour, that’s great too. The key is for them to receive your uninterrupted time and undivided attention.

With the first day of school fast approaching, this is a great opportunity to give your child some quality time with you. Although sometimes quality time is just about having fun, the back to school season is a great time to talk about what's on their mind. To that end, here are some suggestions that I have found to be effective when talking with kids during quality time. Hope it’s helpful.

• Emptying Out - This is when you mostly ask open-ended questions and listen to their responses. These questions would sound something like “So, are you excited about 4th grade? What are a few of the things you’re excited about? What are some things that happened from last year you didn’t like, like with your teacher or grades or friends? Tell me some things you’re nervous about? What subject do you think you’re going to do really well in? Tell me about more about that class. How about one that might be a challenge? What does that challenge look like?” They are talking, you are listening actively. By active listening, I mean listen to their truths and allow them to be free to express their little worlds and interpretations of these worlds. Just listen and really try to understand what they are saying.

• Empathize - When they are expressing themselves, they need to hear words of understanding from you such as “I’m sure that was hard on you” or “Ya, I can understand why you feel that way” or “You’re right, that does sound exciting”. Just validate what they are feeling because whether it’s rational or not, whether it’s right or not, you have to let them know that you hear them and that you can step into their experience right alongside them as they are retelling it. It is important for them to feel like you empathize with their situation, like “Mom gets me”. No advice. No fixing.

• Empower - So after you have heard them out and validated what they have to say, this is the time to give them encouraging words, again not advice. So if they say something about a subject being difficult like hating math, or having too much homework, you can say something like “If anyone can do it, you can because I’ve seen you work hard in_____” (remind them of something they are good at). Or something like “You’ve got this”, “I believe in you”, “I know that you have it in you”, “I know you have a way of doing the right thing.” Anything really that sounds like building up the best in them. Give them a vision of the best version of themselves and if you repeat it enough, they will become it.

• Establish - This is a good time to then drive the point home about how you are there as a partner with your son/daughter if they want to work on solutions together - just you and him/her. So it would begin with something like “I am always here for you if you want to work together on anything, if you need to talk, if you want to share something. Like if you think Math will be hard this year, we can come up with some ways to make it a successful year for you. Or if you’re having trouble with a friend, we can come up with some ways to make that friendship better.” Things of that sort that feel like this isn’t the end of your quality time with them, that you are establishing a new branch in your relationship. They are going to love it !!!

I really hope this becomes a routine you can set up with your son/daughter and tailor it to what will become a lifelong friendship with them.